First Date Protocol

This is about one of our friends. Well, I guess not entirely. Let’s say she inspired this post.

Q (that is a random letter to protect her identity) is anxiously awaiting for Friday’s arrival to go on a first date with some man/boy/dude/lad, etc.

First dates are exciting yet absolutely 100% terrifying. Personally, I hate them. And try to go on as little dates possible. It’s been a solid 3 years since I’ve been on a first date. Unless you consider the 6 am breakfast at a diner after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam. And, being that I was in a relationship. You go on dates but that’s because you’re both starving and don’t want to cook dinner. It’s comfortable & you wear sweats to dinner and then you don’t talk the entire time. This is completely besides the point.

Back on track we go.

Ok, first dates. Q has quite literally been texting me incessantly tonight because 1) her date has placed the restaurant-picking task upon her. That was his first boo-boo. Everyone should know by now that most women are horrible at making decisions. This gal is especially bad at it.

Anyways, she wants restaurant suggestions. I name many a restaurant as well as ones that she can not go to. AKA restaurants that serve bar food. Anything with ‘ale’ or ‘wild’ in its name is completely out of the question. After I made this blatantly clear, she has the audacity to question everything I just mentioned. Her logical explanation? She wants to go somewhere that has music so if their conversation runs dry, they can talk about the music. Trying to rationalize this, I explain to her that if a place has live music that is anything but jazz, an audible conversation there will be not.

After much debate, she relented and we settled on a restaurant that is an actual sit-down, have a damn conversation over a bottle of wine restaurant. We’ll see if she actually listens.

2) Her next question was if it’s ok for her to sleep with him on the first date.

If you’re just trying to hit it and quit it, then by all means, bone away.

She’s a grown woman and will do as she pleases but with most circumstances if the guy gets the milk for free, he ain’t about to buy the damn cow.

Then again, why buy the whole pig if you’re just looking for some sausage?

I really wish I could be a fly on that wall because this first date is going to be one for the books. I mean that in the most awkward way possible. Girl’s going to need a Xanax or two before her date. Hell, I need a Xanax after that conversation. My dear lord.

Everyone should just skip first dates and go on second dates. Or it’d be great if people weren’t so damn awkward all the damn time. I’m awkward but I have this innate ability to make things not awkward. That sentence is a huge conundrum but take my word for it. Or take me out on a first date and see how awkward you can be. Just kidding, don’t. I don’t want to go on a first date. Ever.

Keepin’ it classy per usual,




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