So, Bolling is getting husbanded up. Woo! Lucky for her, she asked me to be one of her maids of the bride. I’m really organized and never procrastinate so, naturally, planning a bachelorette party is going to be a breeze.
Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way to make it the best weekend ever.
1) Kidnap the bride during work. Don’t tell her work friends or her boss. Just storm her office in all black (complete with ski masks) and throw a black trash bag over her head so she can’t see or breath. She’ll like the element of surprise.
2) Invite everyone she would not want there. Her mean bank teller who secretly judges her bank account, her colleagues she doesn’t get along with, anyone really. Doesn’t know them? Parfait. Invite your friends who have no idea who she is either.
3) Rent the jankiest hotel room. It’ll keep her on her toes. Broken lock? Good. Blood on the walls? Better. Box TV? Even better.
4) Fly by the seat of your pants. No food? No problem! Get some vending machine snacks and take out from the grodiest restaurant possible. It will make her keep things in perspective.
5) Don’t have any games or goodie bags for your guests & bride. They should feel grateful they were invited in the first place. Good enough.
6) Make her pay for all the expenses. Gas, food, VHS rentals, hotel rooms. Shoot, make her pay for your time. That shit is precious and valuable.
7) Tell her how thankful you are she asked you to be a bridesmaid. That means you must be pretty special to her. Tell her the only reason you accepted was for the free food and drink at the wedding.
8) Make sure she drives. Don’t put miles on your car that don’t need to be there.
That’s pretty much what I’ve learned thus far.
If you’re lucky enough, these things will happen:
*Google Bachelorette party GIFs. Kristen Wiig is in 99% of them. Just an observation.*